Sunday, May 2, 2010

I've been shocked

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but what the heck. A couple weeks ago, I borrowed the Book of Mormon Reader from a fellow co-worker. It's basically a picture book that explains the Book of Mormon in layman's terms. I desperately needed it. I have never completed the Book of Mormon. I've tried, and I've failed. I just don't understand what happens after Nephi. I thoroughly enjoyed the book and finished it in two sittings. One thing that caught my attention was how much the Lord told the people to repent. I mean, I've always known that I suppose, but I was surprised! I often found myself wondering while I read, "What are they doing? What sin can they not stop committing? I mean, it's like 200 B.C., they don't have pornography, they don't have as many idols, they have rocks and sand and forests...hmmm.."

Well, this weekend I've figured it out.

This past week I got rid of my Satanic car (beside the point...and a whole different blog post) and before I left the dealership I cleaned out my car. I found my most recent journal in the trunk. I was ecstatic. I have been wondering where it has been and I was sad because it had some final memories of my high school days and my days in China. I read it yesterday morning...

Man, I was an angry teenager.

I was floored. I was so angry with God. For reasons I will not post-they are useless now. I never knew how angry I was, and I don't think I knew back then either. The saddest part is I think I've still been holding a grudge against Him. And I. Am. Ashamed. I'm embarrassed, I'm hurt, and I feel so low. I keep thinking of that story of the man close to drowning in the ocean and he has total "faith" that the Lord will save him. Well, a large piece of rift-wood floats by and he doesn't climb aboard it thinking, "The Lord will save me." A boat comes by and the passengers throw out a life saver and he declines saying, "No, no, the Lord will rescue me." Then later a helicopter comes and rolls out a ladder and still the man declines, "No No! The Lord will rescue me!" The guy drowns. This guy was waiting for the Lord to come down and physically lift him out of the ocean, yet He gave the man three options to save his life, despite his ignorance.

It occured to me tonight as I was getting ready for bed that this is what the Lord begs the Nephites and Lamanites to repent for. Doubt of the His blessings and Plan for us. I grew up knowing some stories of the Book of Mormon, particulary the story of Laman and Lemuel and how doubtful they always were. And I kept thinking, "How many times does God have to let them know He is real and his entire Plan? And they still doubt?! Angels appeared, prophetic moments from their own father and brother, and even a physical shock!"

Enter Sammi. I've always had a testimony of my Heavenly Father. I have had some very private moments where I know He is there. Moments only my parents really know about. To the point where they could ask me why I doubt? I've been angry and doubting His plan for me, because it's not going according to MY plan. I had this idea of what my life would be like and it would all be handed to me on a silver platter. Yet the Lord has thrown me life supports to keep me on my way to learn and grow even if I'm not doing it myself. I've been just as ignorant as that man. I guess I've continually thought that if He wanted me to go somewhere, He'd make it happen. I just didn't realize that He would, but I get to decide what to do with my life in the meantime.

Knowing this now, I have so many ideas of what I want to do and who I want to become. I feel like a burden has been lifted and I'm so emotional and humbled. I don't know exactly what I'll do, or where I will go, but I KNOW the Lord will guide me if I finally accept His kind of help. I know I will be happy again. Happier than I've been in years. I can now see the light as to how to become the woman in my patriarchal blessing. The woman the Lord wants me to become.

I love the Lord.

I love His Son.

I love the Gospel.

I love me.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

A bit of Mail this weekend

Dear Daughter,

I remember well the day you left my side, wandered through the veil and ventured forth to fulfill your earthly mission. I had a tear in my eye as I clothed your spirit in a cloak of love and sent you off to school. Be assured that my thoughts are with you now, as always.

I love you with all of my heart. I know your life, the good, the bad, your grief, your disappointments, your unrewarded efforts, your frustrations. But always remember--all that I have is yours if you will only come home again.

Daughter, realize that in you I have placed a bit of heaven. No one was exempt. I love all of my children. You have some blessed gifts, some talent, some little part of me in you. Search for it, develop it, use it, and most importantly, share it with others. If you really love me, then help others find themselves and lead them to me. Show your love by serving others.

Repent of your failings and humble yourself. Make yourself ever teachable and continually strive to improve. I gave you weaknesses to help you be humble. Dont condemn me for that. I did it because I love you. Be full of hope. Don't let discouragement engulf you. I'll come if you need me.

Daughter, cease your idle contentions. Be a peacemaker, for it breaks my heart to see so many of my children fighting. If they could only see what I have hoped, planned and desired for them. My heart breaks as I watch them. But you, faithful daughter, are my hope. It is through you that my work must proceed. You haven't much time and there is so much work to be done. I beg you to get started. Accomplish the mission I gave to you before you left me. I'll help you. I'll never be too busy or too far away to come to you. I'm nearer to you always than you might suspect. I have so much I would like to tell you, but I can't here.

Come to me often in prayer. I love to talk to you, my beloved daughter. Be diligent in my work and my kingdom shall be yours. I'd love to take you in my arms, but I too, must wait patiently: that time will come. Till then I leave you my peace, my blessing, my love, and never forget I am nearby whenever you need me.

I love you and miss you so very much and, oh, how I am looking forward to your return to me.

All my love,

Your Heavenly Father